My Blog

Conviction

Now I can’t clearly see her through the tinted glass. I just helplessly stood as she finds her way at the terminal to check-in her baggage. I already miss her… I can’t seem to fathom my feelings as I valiantly keep my tears from falling. Then I started counting the days that she will be gone… But I can never be so sure because I really don’t know how long does a day feels like without her near me. Then the vibrance of her face starts flashing on my mind as I try to remember everything about her. Although I find it hard imagining amidst the rumbling of the plane’s engine and the people around, I still managed to keep my thoughts in a profound state. She shouldn’t have left…

As the plane starts taxiing down the runway, I tried to look for her in every window visible, but I can’t see clearly because it is too far for my eyes. I figured that it was a stupid thing to do, but I still tried. How can I ever convince myself that I can never hold her in my arms for a period of time? This thought came as the plane pierced through the clouds, and basically couldn’t do anything anymore to make her stay a little while longer.

I’m pretty sure that she will surely come back, but it may not be for me. Positive, but frail. And I don’t wanna be left with just memories, because each time I think about it, I end up wanting not to think about it anymore. Maybe I’m just fooling myself for what’s clearly there, and constantly convincing myself that everything is going to be alright. Sad, but it can happen. Still, I keep my hopes up, and sooner or later, I’ll be able to lay everything the way I wanted it to be. This little something in me is what we call faith. Faith in a sense that I am sure of what I hope for and certain of what I do not see. I think all of us has it, but it’s just a matter of how we value it.

This conviction defies all boundaries, distance, time and place. No restrictions, but only motivations from what we believe in. And if all else fails, there is no measuring the amount of pain one can experience. Something to ponder upon before indulgence. It is not a sense of discouragement, but a challenge.

Much has already been said and done, but to think everything just started with one simple “hello”. One moment she’s there, and suddenly you are left missing her. Trying to picture out every detail of her face, and remember the sound of her voice. This is what love can do to you. But there is only one thing I’m sure of… I really miss her. I’d be lying if I say that she enters my mind in every moment that I do something that reminds me of her. Because she has only entered my mind once, and never left since then.

A new dawn… A new day… A new life…

“Ready… set… go!!!” and the race starts. Spectators are in thrills as their bet rushes through other runners to reach the finish line. They are expecting a good headstart, smooth run, and a dramatic finish. And the people just love it.

Some people are not into sports, but it is not because they hate it. All of us love competition, the adrenaline rush, the fun, and most of all… the victory. Who hates it? We all love to win. But some of us hate losing, that is why they don’t have the heart for sports because losing is awfully part of it. Even some people cheat just to win the game. And there are also some who are just too good for it. But we are not here just to know about sports, how we feel about winning and yap about losing. It is just a part of our lives, may it be big or small, that actually relates to our sole purpose… and that is living. It is like a small-scale scenario of what life is outside a race track, basketball court, boxing ring etc.

This world is our gymnasium, and among us are other athletes in the sport that we call LIFE. Where we have goals to reach, time to beat, distance to go to, hurdles to jump on, games to win or lose, and reputation to take pride or shame from. The complex obstacles it has make it more and more challenging as we go from one event to another. Some cheat, but there are also some who are good players. Whatever we choose defines everything that will be carried out until we reach the finish line.

I was told that even before we were born, we are one out of many sperm cells who raced our way to our mother’s egg cell to be developed. Then life starts with certainties of constant struggles and difficulties. And in this world of countless challenges, though some are lost, let us always remember that we were born in this world as ‘winners’ with “LIFE” as the prize. So let us never complain about what we have and don’t have. Because we earned it, we should take care of it and show to everyone that we deserved it.

Life is your first achievement… your trophy. And losing many times doesn’t mean that you don’t have the strength to win it. It means you should start all over again. And this time, have a good headstart, a smooth run, and a dramatic finish in the sprint of life. Have a good race.

MEDICINE

    "The Pleasure of Being Alone"… Where’s the fun in that? I bet most people would agree that there’s nothing to it. But the word "ALONE" is somewhat like a paradox to many. Looking into it deeply… It depicts helplessness… It defies all bonds between you and the people around you. It shows no connection between your life and the lives of other people - to the exclusion of all others or all else. They seem so agreeable in all aspects. But are we really ALONE?

    As you well know, the story of Adam and Eve was told by many books besides Genesis, such as the Quran, the Life of Adam and Eve, the Talmud, and Gnostic texts. These tell that God fashioning a man from the dust and blowing life into his nostrils. God plants a garden (the Garden of Eden) and sets a man there, and gives him dominion over the living things He has created. Then He creates animals, attempting to find a help-mate for the man; but none of the animals are satisfactory, and so He causes the man to sleep, and creates a woman from his ribs. The man names her "Woman" (Heb. ishshah), "for this one was taken from a man" (Heb. ish). This story was, for me, one of the firsts that I have heard of since I was young. I’ve heard this from church, Bible studies in school, and it was like the most unforgettable stories ever.

    But as I get older, as science sets in, many have contradicted my beliefs. Many of these "Scientific Theories" from Johannes Kepler (1610), Isaac Newton (1690), Erasmus Darwin (1791), Albert Einstein (Early 20th Century), and Charles Darwin’s "Evolution of Man" have made me wonder what the real deal really was. But I’m not really a religious man, or a man of science, so I stick into what is the "real deal" for me. Because when I get into a dilemma, I just simply sort things out and find out the most common denominator. And for this sense, "Man and Woman" have come into existence. No matter how we put it, these two entities are there. So why complicate things? If the answer is already there?

    So now, I live in the fact that being alone does not really mean that you are alone. Maybe you’re just lacking, in a sense that you have your family, friends, and even the other people around you. Life is a highway full of crossroads and there’s a different story in each way you turn. And if we are here to serve our purpose, that would include being with who or what is truly meant for us, may it be destiny, fate, karma, chance, luck, or doom. There is no telling who we end up with until we die. That is why we have the choice. The choice to be alone paradoxically, or the choice not to be such. But whatever the choice you’ll have, make sure that it is the life that suits you best. Life is a never-ending search. Like a disease that you have to search for the best medicine to cure you.

Eleven Minutes

"Wow!!!" that’s what I said to myself secretly after my long tiring
day. I haven’t been myself lately. Actually, I have missed the old me… I was this
fun-loving, tireless, self-sufficient (self-declared) kid who, somehow, knows
his way into "fun land" and back. And I proved myself wrong that people don’t
change. Maybe it was just my excuse, because I want things to be just the way
they were. Now I’m just putting myself into the pits of frustrations only
because I hate changes. How pathetic!

But really, I want to be young again. I want to live my childhood days all over
again. Because it’s a life wherein all problems are just a "walk in a park". As
we become older, the problems become more complicated.

Honestly, I want to be in a part wherein love isn’t really that important. Like a
kid who only wants to play. Because when you play and get hurt, only physical
pain is inflicted. But when you love and get hurt, pain is not physical. It’s a
pain from within and I hate feeling it. Maybe all of us are bound to feel it, and it’s just a matter of how u handle it because some people end up DEAD. It’s funny, but it’s true… And studies on psychosocial well-being would show that "Males are more prone to commit suicide than Females". They say that, "Males, mostly, hold on to their feelings and tend to keep it for themselves. While, females, on the other hand, are much more expressive than males". It just shows that keeping the pain inside would just heighten the level of agony, and most of us aren’t susceptible to pain as far as emotions are concerned. Because, whether you like it or not, we are never "emotionally stable" no matter how old we get and how many experiences we’ve had. We are all vulnerable to this matter, and all we could do is prevent the pain from hurting you. How? I don’t know… Another challenge in life. I can’t stop myself from indulging into a relationship. Maybe this is just how it goes.

Some people say, "pain that is caused by Love only lasts for eleven minutes… and when you remember it again, another eleven excruciating minutes begin.". Well, I don’t really know if it’s true. I haven’t tested it, and I don’t want to. I don’t wanna feel the hurt while holding a timer and wait for it to fade. But even if it’s true or not, it doesn’t matter.

All of us are capable to love… to feel… and when you fall and get hurt, it’s fine to cry. But don’t forget to get up, tap the dirt away, and go on living.

-EMPTY PLATE-

The same boring day… 5:07pm. My mom and I just finished arguing on the net about stuffs that matter. I think it is all good arguing those kind of stuff than talking on things that really don’t have any significance at all. And sometimes you just can’t help but notice that you really have wasted much of your time in life, that the phrase "life is so short" explains it all.

I just finished wrapping my birthday gift to my mom. I haven’t really spent a single centavo for it. It was like an album made from magazine cut-outs, paper clips, glue, and old pictures of us. The front cover says, "the best things in life…" and on the back cover, "… are free". Inside it are pictures of me when I was a child, cuddled by my mom, and there are captions glued with it. And after I finished doing it, I looked at it, and suddenly a tear fell from my eye. Immediately, I felt so alone… Even though I couldn’t remember those things that happened to me when I was yet a child, but the old pictures showed me everything. It was just like yesterday, as if time is at full speed that 20 years is just like a snap of a finger. Then I closed it and gave it to my aunt so she can snail mail it to her address. I’m proud of myself and I knew she would like it as much as I did.

A lot of things bother me. Are we going old way too fast? Have we done the things that we are supposed to do in life? Is it proper to be acting like this? Well, I guess these are some of the hardest questions in our life and we just have to wait for the answers. Because our life is like an empty plate, just because it’s empty, it doesn’t mean that somebody’s stomach is full. It also means we can’t have something to fill it with. I can’t really say that my plate is totally empty, it is just not full. And I don’t want to fill it with things that I can’t have.

Life is not a race, but a challenge. A challenge to live your life according to your purpose in a short period of time. For me, I call it "fill your plate challenge". And it is not how fast you can fill your plate, but how many good things that you filled it with.

                                                                   The Ultimate Crush

It’s a weird feeling… it’s like I’m giving up on something that I am still hoping for. Even I couldn’t understand it, and I just laugh it out. It has been a couple of days since I heard a thing from her. And I don’t want to annoy her or something… Maybe she’s busy. I want to give her some time and space. But still I want to break the rules and steal a bit of her time. I can’t make up my mind… I don’t know what I’ll do! But then, after a while, I decide to do what most losers do… give up.

I continue the usual things that I do everyday. And that includes thinking about her for 2 hours and forget her for 2 minutes, and then think about her again for another 2 hours. It sounds stupid, and it surely is corny, but I just can’t help it… Maybe it is just what people do when they are in love. Even if I’m watching TV, my thoughts are far out of reach, far to where "the Daphne" is. I remember the time when I was still in high school. I used to go to their school and just watch her. Our school is within the city, and hers was a 20 kilometer (more or less) drive from mine. And I used to bring my best friend with me, and he kept wondering why we just stand by her school’s gate and spy at her, when he didn’t even know who we are spying at. It was hilarious… But seriously, I just wanted see her for a while.

These things really did happen to me. And I know that those people who experienced true love would agree… You may have a lot of "crushes" since elementary days, or even until now. But surely, there is only one "Ultimate Crush" in your life. My "Daphne", "Ivy", "Rose", "Zahir", "Zion", or "Nirvana", whatever you may call her… She is my ultimate crush. Nothing can replace her…

"QUESTIONS"

now… I can’t seem to think clearly. I
always fall into deep space every time I
think of her.

Then the unexpected thing happened…

I was driving at around 12:47am across
the intersection of the city’s center.
When suddenly the car goes into a smash.
The next thing I found was my friend at
the passenger seat in shock… I just
bumped a car. After a while, I felt that
my head got numb and eventually my legs.
I checked for blood but there was none.
So I got out and talked to the other
driver to see if he’s okay, I grabbed my
phone and called my dad. I wasn’t really
thinking of her (the daphne) at that
time, but I’m sure she was there at the
back of my mind. I am really a defensive
driver, I always check on
intersections… But inevitably the
other car just came rushing in front of me.

The investigators came… They ruled out
that it was my fault. I didn’t react…
It was an accident in the first place
and I didn’t want it to happen to me and
to my friend. Then agreements were made
and to be settled the following day. As
they towed my wrecked car, something
unusual occurred to me… My whole life
flashed back as if telling me that there
is a common denominator in terms of
experiencing fun, victory, defeat,
struggles, and even near death… Then I
turned to my friend and said, "Bro, this
is brotherhood to the next level…"
Then we laughed.

Then I spaced out again… Asking myself
"what if’s"… What if I died? What if I
survived and my friend died? What if one
or more passengers died in the other
car? Then the big questions popped up…
"what will become of me if the worst
happened? what about my ‘daphne’?" I
haven’t really done something to let her
know how I feel. And it has already been
a while since we actually talked or
there hasn’t been any replies from her
when I send her a message through text
messaging. What a mess! Is she really
thinking about me? Does she even
remember my name? Is she waiting for my
call? Am I waiting for nothing?

I tried to calm myself as my mind was
taking the bombardment of questions. I
know that I love her. But the problem is
she doesn’t know, and I’m afraid if she
won’t accept my love. Now, after the
accident, why would I wait until I never
get the chance  to tell her that I love her?

(If I was born to say "I love you and I
will spend the rest of my life with
you…", then to whom will I say it?)

my lyf is a mess… how could i ever try
to stand on my own? coz if i try, people
will just keep me down.

It’s 1:38am and im still awake. Im not
sure if I can sleep with this inside me.
I just want to break free from these
heartaches that keep haunting me. I am
not even sure if I can prove my worth to
someone without making them think that I
am just a fraud.

Maybe it’s the way I act when im with
them… The way I look at them, the way
I smile, or maybe the way I talk to
them. Maybe my slightest gestures serve
as a judging point of the "ME" that they
are trying to showcase. Maybe Im just
delusional. I hope I am just delusional…

Before, all I ever wanted was show to
them myself… Without even pretending
to be someone else. I just want to
entertain people, capture their hearts
and put a smile on their faces. It’s
rewarding to think that when I sing, I
am able to capture their hearts… Men,
women, young and old. But when I come to
think of it, I begin to ask myself, "am
I really able to do such thing?". Maybe
yes, but maybe no. And now that I am in
-love, I can’t even let her know. I
consider her as the "Daphne"… In Greek
mythology, there was this nymph called
Daphne daughter of the river god Peneus.
She was a huntress who dedicated herself
to Artemis, goddess of the hunt, and,
like the goddess, refused to marry. She
was pursued by many admirers but she
rejected every lover, including the
powerful son of Zeus, Apollo. Apollo
fell in love with Daphne, and when she
rejected his advances, he pursued her
through the woods. Daphne got frightened
and prayed to her father for help.
Whereupon her father told her that he
would protect her by turning her into a
Laurel Tree on the bank of his river.
When Apollo came looking for her, his
father told him that she was turned into
a laurel tree. Apollo then cut off some
branches and made himself a wreath in
memory of her beauty and his love for
her. Apollo made laurel his sacred tree.
He appropriated the laurel wreath, since
then called DAPHNE in Greek, for
champions and those who strived for
excellence in their chosen fields, i.e.
in the ancient Olympic Games all the
champions were crowned with a DAPHNE.

Maybe Im bound to never have her just
like daphne and apollo…

~to be continued…